Grief and loss after miscarriage is often a very private experience. Some women are able to move through their grief quickly while others find it takes years.
One thing that can hold people back is the desire to get closure from another person. But can you actually expect other people to provide closure?
Talk to Your Partner
Having a miscarriage is a deeply traumatic and painful experience for both partners. It is important to talk about your feelings with your partner so that they can support you emotionally. This is not always easy, as both people may grieve differently and have a hard time putting words to their feelings.
If you and your partner struggle to talk about your experiences, consider finding a miscarriage support group together. There are many resources available online that can help you broach the topic more comfortably and safely. A study from the University of Cambridge found that couples who shared their feelings and experiences after a miscarriage felt closer both romantically and sexually.
It is also important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to grief and loss. If you find yourself upset that your partner doesn’t seem as depressed as you, remind yourself that they are dealing with this loss in their own way and that there isn’t one right way to cope.
You may also want to discuss age-appropriate ways to explain your pregnancy loss to any other children in your home. It can be difficult for children to understand why the baby did not live, and it is helpful to prepare ahead of time in case a miscarriage happens again. It can also be helpful to think about how you and your partner will approach the topic of trying to conceive again.
Find a Miscarriage Support Group
The experience of miscarriage is different for every woman. The timeline of healing and grief is different, too. And although many women feel isolated because pregnancy loss remains a taboo topic, the truth is that many more mothers than we realize have experienced the same heartache. Some of the mothers had miscarriage tattoos to remember their lost child forever.
While it may be tempting to try and ignore the pain, ignoring this loss will only make it more difficult in the long run. In order to move forward, it’s crucial that you find a community of support. You can find miscarriage support groups online or in-person, and they can help you feel less alone in your struggle.
Many women find closure through memorializing their lost babies in a way that feels meaningful to them. This could be through a small ceremony, writing a farewell letter, or even planting a tree in the name of your baby. There is no wrong way to do this, and it’s important to recognize that you need this closure in a way that works for you.
For some, it’s helpful to seek out a mental health professional who specializes in grief and loss. It’s especially important to do this for women with a history of depression or anxiety, as these are often the individuals most prone to complicated grief. A therapist or counselor can provide you with guidance and compassionate support through the process of mourning a loss.
Take Care of Yourself
Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things you can do to help yourself heal after miscarriage. Try to eat healthy foods and get enough sleep. Avoid alcohol and caffeinated drinks like coffee, tea, soda and chocolate.
It’s also important to find ways to enjoy yourself. It may be hard at first to find happiness, especially when you are feeling so sad and lost, but remember that it’s okay to feel happy sometimes. Try to find activities that make you smile and keep in mind that even small bits of joy are healing.
Grieving for a pregnancy loss takes time, and it’s normal to take a long time before finding closure. However, you don’t have to hide your pain from other people and you shouldn’t feel pressured to “get over it.”
Many women have a difficult time blaming themselves for miscarriage, especially if they were far along in their pregnancy or had already chosen a name or decorated the nursery. However, it’s important to understand that there is no right way to grieve and that most miscarriages happen due to chromosomal abnormalities that are completely out of anyone’s control.
If you are struggling to deal with the complicated emotions that come with a miscarriage, consider seeing a grief counselor or therapist. This can be especially helpful if you have a history of depression or anxiety.
Invest in Self-Care
Having a miscarriage can be physically and emotionally exhausting. During this time, it is important to take care of yourself. This may mean getting plenty of rest, eating well, and trying to avoid stressors. If you are feeling overwhelmed, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can be helpful in processing the grief associated with losing a pregnancy. If you are unsure of where to start, check your health insurance benefits for mental health coverage.
It’s also important to remember that it is normal for people to have feelings after a miscarriage. While many people are genuinely concerned and want to support you, they may say things that are unintentionally hurtful. For example, some people will minimize the loss of a pregnancy by saying, “at least it was early,” or “you can always get pregnant again.”
Pregnancy loss is difficult because it forces parents to face so many emotions and decisions. In addition to the physical and emotional healing, they must also decide what to tell their family and friends. For this reason, it’s not uncommon for parents to feel isolated after a miscarriage.
If you know a parent-to-be who is dealing with miscarriage, you can offer to be their advocate and listener. You can also provide them with some practical support. For example, if they have other children, you can offer to watch them while they go to appointments or run errands. Alternatively, you can send them a personalized care package. One option is the Lullaby of Hope Gift Box from Bodily, which includes a journal, a ‘Loved Baby’ book, a soy candle, and inspirational messages.
Make a Plan for the Future
Closure can be a big part of the grieving process after miscarriage or other conditions that cause a pregnancy to end before or during birth. It’s tough to move on from the mourning phase without something that says, “This is the end.” How you get closure could be anything, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Some ways to find closure include having a small ceremony, writing a farewell letter, making a memory box, or commemorating your baby in a special garden.
Find Peace of Mind
Every person’s experience with grief is unique, and it’s normal to grieve in your own way. For some, that may mean being open about their miscarriage with friends and family, holding a memorial service, or displaying mementos. Others prefer to be more private, confiding in only a few close friends and keeping their memories safely stored. Either way, it’s important to give yourself time and space to process your loss.
Grieving for a pregnancy loss can be especially difficult, and it’s normal to feel a range of emotions, from sadness to anger and anxiety. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your feelings, don’t be afraid to seek professional support.
Whether you’re dealing with a late miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a molar pregnancy or any other type of pregnancy loss, finding closure is key to moving forward. If you need some extra support, consider talking to a counselor or joining a miscarriage support group. And remember, it’s okay to take some time out from people who may say insensitive things (e.g., “You’ll be fine, it happens to everyone”). Their comments may be based on their own experiences or they simply don’t understand the emotional impact of miscarriage. Ultimately, these insensitive comments have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the lack of knowledge around this subject. Moreover, they’re probably more reflective of how society treats suffering (like depression, cancer, or any other type of death). Rather than saying insensitive things, try to find a way to comfort each other instead.
About Author
